My FB Breakup 😢

Photo Cred: www.wired.com

Dear Facebook,

We have to talk to you about our relationship status. It’s not you. It’s me. You’re great. I mean, you give me all kinds of information. You keep me entertained. You know how much I love that video where the cats all jump sky-high away from the cucumbers, terrifed – ALL OF THEM. LOL. 😂 What is that all about, anyway? I still don’t know. Or the German Shepherd who talks like a human, begging for bacon. LMAO. I can’t stop watching that one.

You help me stay close to the people I love. You know how it gets. I'm busy with work and forget to check in with my friends. How else would I know Aunt Lorrie has gone to Florida to see my mom, or that my co-worker just adopted a new dog? And I can’t believe Pat just won that dance competition! She’s so awesome!

And your gentle birthday reminders! You keep it all so organized for me, that giant calendar in the sky. Where would I be without you nudging me through email? “Hey, it’s your friend, Judi’s birthday today!” I would forget! And I’d feel like sht the next time I saw her. Now I can smile and say, “Did you have a nice birthday?” and feel so damn proud of myself because I put that red balloon emoji on her wall. 🎈Facebook, you’re so awesome. 👏🏼 

Oh oh oh – and you just know me so well, which is crazy! You know I love to see all of the latest dieting trends and have to know what Aviva Romm is up to these days. You know I love jewelry and elephants and photography and “on sale” and soft sweaters that look so great online but come half-sewn from halfway around the world. How do you know I’ll fall for that? Those sponsored videos appear like sweet gifts, as if you’re telling me, “I got you. I know what you like. I’m always here for you.”

Facebook, you just know me so well.

But lately it’s been rough. Please know it’s not you. It’s me. You’re perfect! But I have to figure some stuff out. I’m not sure I like who I am lately when I’m with you. I scroll down right past the Darwin Awards videos looking for political news. I’m watching my cohort of friends polarize into this side and that side. You seduce me with posts that bait me for comments. Yeah, I blame Trump for all of it. Divisive little monster. See? That’s not even who I am. I don’t call people names. Little-handed orange-toned freak! Do you see what I’m saying, Facebook? I'm tired of hitting the angry button. 😡 Facebook, I don’t like who I’ve become when I'm with you.

Please know it's not because of Twitter, that over-simplified forum, or Snapchat, which makes me look like a cradle-robber. And you know I'm not artsy enough for Instagram. You're still my fave, Facebook.

But I’m a unifier by nature, and you're not unifying right now. Usually I empathize with just about everyone. I see all sides to everything, and can keep it light and humorous. Not lately. Not since January 20. Now I’m spending too much time crafting witty zinging retorts to passive aggressive “friends” who call me “racist” or “snowflake liberal out of touch with reality”. Grrr. I blocked two people. Just two. Like a stink bomb went off and I just came into my house and closed the door. I don’t need that in my life.

But I don’t want any of this conflict anymore. I want you to continue to inform and update me, but I can’t piss fight with my Flanders Elementary School 3rd grade classmate I haven’t talked to in 40 years. It's not who I am.

So I’ve got some ideas for us because I’m not quite sure if you’re a nourishing food or a drug addiction.

So here is my new game plan on Super Bowl Sunday:

1.   Twice a day. I don’t need to have you every 5 minutes, although that can be very exciting. So what if all my friends are watching the Super Bowl and commenting on every play, connecting us all together in some silly cosmic way. And I don’t need to “go live” with every whim, especially when Frankie’s friend decides to share her live video while she eats a cupcake after school. That’s not necessary. Twice a day. This will keep me in the birthday loop and informed of newsworthy events.

2.     Read, not react. The articles are great! They range from National Review to NY Times. I’ll catch up with the key players. I’m free to comment, of course, but if I sense my heart racing a little faster, I won’t touch those keys.

3.     Be a Change agent. FB can be my community bulletin, corralling me with my local peeps so I can be more involved. For this, I will always love you and will gladly let you assist in driving this movement forward. I love showing up at the West Hartford Town Hall with a thousand other people who knew to gather because of you.

4.     Post to uplift. The die is cast. The fray is alive and well. No changing anyone’s polarized views, but we can inspire and uplift one another with what is commonly human (sometimes). We’re all born. We all die. Lots of crazy in between. I’ll stick to what is “uplifting” for now. Everyone loves a  sunset and puppies that sleep by a baby’s side. My Trump is not your Trump. I get that. Fighting about that won’t help anyone.

It’s been a crazy up and down, Facebook. The passion is just too much. You know how you can get me going, and it’s not always healthy. Even my husband and I are fighting about how I spend too much time with you, and I hide you when he comes into the room!

But I don’t want to lose you. And I love you, Facebook. Don't be upset. I'm not going to change my status. I still want to be in a relationship with you.

But I need to clean up my timeline.

Can we just be friends? ✨✨👫✨✨ ❤🇺🇸

PS -- I hope people will share our story! I bet we're not alone.