When Did My Face Fall?

(Warning: Vain Post)

I’m watching my body do amazing things after 50. It sweats uncontrollably at the most undesirable times, and the distribution of fat deposits is shifting as if gravity is giving me a big FU. My thighs are falling over my knees. My tummy slouches over my underwear. My face? I get it now why they call it a facelift – one of those aha moments like when it dawns on you that Target’s symbol is actually a target. Yes, “face lift” because your face fell and you need someone to pull it up off the ground. I get it now.

The most exciting part of these changes is that they’re all happening at once! Yippee! My body’s parts all checked out at the same time and decided to take a vacation together. So I’m not sure which one to rally back first. My hormones are all aflux. Do I try revving those back up with bioidentical hormones or supplements? My collagen, the stuff that makes my skin taut, is decreasing to abysmal levels. Do I start throwing the beef collagen into my morning shakes? The “tear troughs” under my eyes have burrowed deep dark valleys into my face. Yes, a nurse at a medical spa informed me that my tear troughs are 4X deeper than the “normal” angle. I was in her office to sell her my stuff, and I was pulling out my credit card to buy HER stuff.

“I can make you look ten years younger in 10 minutes!” she hailed. “There’s no reason why your young-looking body should have an older face on it.” True story.

Do I puff my face up with fillers?

Most importantly, my 20/20 vision on which I prided myself -- keen, clear, observant eyesight -- has gone to the shitter and I can’t even pluck my own eyebrows without my readers on. Try that. Just try that, I dare you.

Because I am vain (even though I’m ashamed of my vanity), I’ll be drawn to claims that reverse the Titanic force of aging. But I’ll be smart about it. I don’t like blowing a lot of money or falling prey to someone else’s get-rich masterminding.

So, here are my rules of thumb when investigating “age management” gimmicks:

  1. Use more than the Internet to validate claims, but don’t be shy about experimenting. I talk to doctors every day, so I pick their brains. What works, what doesn’t. Geniuses are inventing cutting-edge trends as we speak, but so are opportunists who know our weaknesses. Give one a whorl if it doesn’t break the bank. Have fun with it as long as there’s no cutting or nasty chemicals involved. ie/FasciaBlaster (Google it.)

  2. Talk to friends. Get them to talk about what makes them feel good, what’s working, what doesn’t. Come on, Ladies! Share your secrets. I had a friend who got Botox and was embarrassed to tell me. Let’s be real together. Let’s not pretend every 50+ woman looks that good because her “grandmother had good genes.”

  3. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Nuff said. Accept what can’t be changed. We’re getting older. It’s OK! Journeying into our twilight years is exciting stuff. Let’s not obsess over an aging body that will eventually be food for worms. Dabble in the science of body beauty, but dive deeper into soul beauty. Soul beauty is what really matters. This is our time to shine as wise women!

Let’s not let the world’s gravity weigh us down too much. Soul level is zero gravity.

Shine your light!

Join the Herd!